Short-Term Goals – Page 6

Relationship advice from a screenwriting book

From John Truby’s The Anatomy of Story [Amazon]:

The central concept of love stories is quite profound. Love stories say that a person does not become a true individual by being alone. A person becomes a unique and authentic individual only by entering into a community of two. It is through the love of the other that each person grows and becomes his or her deepest self.

“A community of two”. What a great phrase, and as powerfully concise a statement as any that I’ve read on the topic. Now to watch some rom-coms… :-)

Patimokkha: The 227 rules for male monks and 311 rules for female monks

Most established religions have a codified and often comprehensive list of rules, and Buddhism is no exception.

For Theravada Buddhists, that list is the Patimokkha, itself part of a larger text called the Suttavibhanga. The rules are largely based on what the Buddha himself said and did in his life, but the actual writing down of these rules was done by his followers shortly after his death in 483 BC. So this document, the Patimokkha, is 2,500 years old. It helps to keep the age in mind as you read through the full list.

I wanted to share some thoughts as I study the rules and their context.

For starters there are 227 rules for male monks (bhikkhus) and 311 rules for female monks (bhikkhunis). Here are 110 rules specifically for bhikkhunis. There are differing interpretations as to why women have more rules to follow than men, as you can read here. The top reasons seem to be:

1. Bhikkhuni ordination rules are counted in the Patimokkha, but bhikkhu rules are not (why, I don’t know)

2. Extra rules were added to prevent abuse of power by bhikkhus, and to prevent conflicts that arose specifically among bhikkhunis

But largely the rules are the same and are in line with Buddhism’s precepts.

For example, there are 30 rules to encourage you to own less and acquire less, among them:

Accepting gold or money, having someone else accept it, or consenting to its being placed down as a gift for oneself, is a nissaggiya pācittiya offense. (NP 18)

Obtaining gold or money through trade is a nissaggiya pācittiya offense. (NP 19)

There are 75 rules for proper training, for example, how to wear your robe, when not to laugh, how to eat your food. And 7 rules that amount to a sort of legal code among monks.

The Patimokkha also seems quite focused, in training, on how to control your body and physical behavior, especially in public:

I will go [sit] with eyes lowered in inhabited areas: a training to be observed.

I will not go [sit] swinging my arms in inhabited areas: a training to be observed.

I will not go tiptoeing or walking just on the heels in inhabited areas: a training to be observed.

And of course there are some head scratchers and funny ones, when taken out of historical and cultural context. Again, a bhikkhuni is a female monk, a nun:

Should any bhikkhunī, lusting, consent to a lusting man’s taking hold of her hand or touching the edge of her outer robe, or should she stand with him or converse with him or go to a rendezvous with him, or should she consent to his approaching her, or should she enter a hidden place with him, or should she dispose her body to him (any of these) for the purpose of that unrighteous act (Comm: physical contact) then she also is defeated and no longer in affiliation for “(any of) eight grounds.”

Should any bhikkhunī eat garlic, it is to be confessed.

Should any bhikkhunī do a chore for a lay person, it is to be confessed.

That last one I’m particularly curious about, and will further research. If anyone has the answer, please let me know.

The rules have differing levels of importance, and punishments vary accordingly. For example, stealing is grounds for expulsion from the community. Lesser rules when violated can result in probation, in public reprimand, in private penance, and so on.

Finally, not only is killing perhaps the most serious offense a monk can commit, but even talking about death in a positive manner is comparably bad:

“praise the advantages of death, or incite him to die (saying,): “My good man, what use is this evil, miserable life to you? Death would be better for you than life,” or with such an idea in mind, such a purpose in mind, should in various ways praise the advantages of death or incite him to die, he also is defeated and no longer in affiliation.”

Sources, if not linked above:

http://en.dhammadana.org/sangha/vinaya/227.htm
https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/vin/sv/bhikkhu-pati.html#pr
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patimokkha

Thanks for reading! I’m spending a lot of time these days studying organized religions, as I believe they’re a source of wisdom and stories. Here’s a post about how religion helps you build good habits, and here’s a post about why I believe religion will be around much longer than all the modern technologies we obsess over today.

Daily Habits Checklist (April 16 – May 13): “Fortune is not only blind herself, but blinds the people she has embraced.” – Cicero

I felt like it was a solid month even if the scores don’t necessarily show it. Most of the gaps are due to travel, not laziness, and the travel itself was time well spent.

Although I am beginning to wonder if it might make sense to set an alarm clock. I’ve been unable to wake up earlier than 8am, consistently, for the past several months, and it makes an enormous difference in the quality and output of my day if I simply wake up an hour earlier. And my eventual goal is 5-6am haha. I haven’t set an alarm clock in years. Maybe it’s time to resume, just as a test?

A few highlights from “How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World”

I’ve only read the sample, but it’s fantastic. I just bought the full book today so I’ll let you know how the rest of it goes. Until then, here are some great quotes from that Kindle sample:

The paradox is that you have tremendous control over your life, but you give up that control when you try to control others. For the only way you can control others is to recognize their natures and do what is necessary to evoke the desired reactions from those natures.

Each individual is acting from his own knowledge in ways he believes will bring him happiness. […] You have to treat things and people in accordance with their own identities in order to get what you want from them.

To find happiness, you must know how your unique emotional nature responds to things. You must observe and take seriously your own emotional reactions. For if you attempt to fit your emotions to a preconceived standard, you lose touch with yourself and blind yourself to the most important part of yourself —to what would make you happy.

I’ve found that it’s a good rule to never make an important decision when your emotions are in control. I try to program myself in advance to remember this rule when I need it. When I’m in an emotional state (either positive or negative), I try to keep just enough intellect working to tell me one thing: don’t decide now. I wait until I’ve relaxed and can think more clearly.

You’re in the Intellectual Trap if you let your intellect tell you what you should feel. You’re in the Emotional Trap if you let your emotions make important decisions for you. Both traps lead to trouble.

The absolute morality fails on its two important characteristics. Even if you choose to believe there’s a higher authority, you are the authority who chooses what it is and what it is telling you to do. And since you’ll always be considering consequences, even if you try to fix it so that you aren’t, it’s important to deliberately recognize the consequences and decide which ones are important to you.

Dan Ariely on relationships and dating (talk at Google)

I’ve always found Dan to be one of those uncommon academics who is full of surprise and delight. You can tell he enjoys his job, and his enthusiasm infects his audience too.

A couple of notes I took:

He likes the “canoe test” for relationships; imagine rowing a canoe in rough waters with a partner; can you navigate something tough and unpredictable, where you must cooperate; plus the upside is that it’s an exhilarating outdoor experience, can bring you closer
First time I heard this concept of the “Lesbian bed death”; around year 7, lesbians stop having sex, and in general the finding is that lesbian couples have the least sex of any pairing; but (my personal opinion) this is probably a common pattern in most relationships, lesbian or not
When they studied arranged vs love marriages, they found that love marriages start happier (self rated), but decline, while arranged marriages start less happy but rise; the slopes / scores cross at year 3 (!)