I keep an Evernote of funny jokes I’ve heard over the years. Wanted to share some favorites.
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Why did the old lady fall into the well?
She didn’t see that well.
Pretty sure I could build a pyramid today. In 2015. Using only slave labor. If I charged $50 a session for it. And called it “CrossFit Extreme Bootcamp.” – James Myers
The key to being happy isn’t a search for meaning. It’s just to keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually, you’ll be dead. – Mr. Peanutbutter in Bojack Horseman
Every black American is bilingual. All of them. We speak street vernacular and we speak ‘job interview.’ – Dave Chappelle
When I finished high school, I wanted to take my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle, but my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was eighteen. And I could just have his motorcycle. – Anthony Jeselnik
It’s all about money, not freedom, y’all, okay? Nothing to do with fuckin’ freedom. If you think you’re free, try going somewhere without fucking money, okay? – Bill Hicks
I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night. – Bill Hicks
Thirty is the new twenty for men. But forty is still thirty for women. – Jack Donaghy in 30 Rock
Money can’t buy happiness. Money is happiness – Jack Donaghy in 30 Rock
Pets are animals that don’t taste good; that’s probably how we got em, we probably tried to eat all of them, and we said, ok, these don’t taste good, let’s give them first names and sweaters, these over here, we’ll eat these – Demetri Martin
I have an L-shaped sofa…lower case – Demetri Martin
I like how people are complaining about how Arnold’s not a great man anymore because of what he did. Really? I mean, really? Anybody here think they could move to Austria, learn the language, become famous for working out, then be a movie star, then marry into their royalty, and hold public office. How many life times would you need? I’m on my third attempt at Rosetta Stone Spanish! – Bill Burr
it’s not until you’re an adult you appreciate how awesome a dog is. your dreams start dying, somebody cheats on you, bankers fuck up your 401k, you know? then you come home and that dog’s looking at you and he’s like, dude, you’re awesome! it’s like no, dude you…YOU are awesome! – Bill Burr
Don’t worry about who’s following you or who’s not following back. Worry about why that worries you. – Chris Rock
Marriage is hard man. Marriage is so hard Nelson Mandela got a divorce. Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in a South African prison getting tortured and beaten everyday of his life for 27 straight years. He got out of jail, spent 6 months with his wife and said, “I can’t take this shit.” – Chris Rock
People are starving all over the world. What do you mean, “Red meat will kill you”? Don’t eat no red meat? No, don’t eat no green meat. If you lucky enough to get your hands on a steak, bite the shit out of it. – Chris Rock
What’s with this sudden choice of disorders we get right now? When I was a kid, we just had crazy people. That’s it, just crazy people. – Ellen Degeneres
Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell people the paint’s wet, and they have to touch it to be sure. – George Carlin
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. – George Carlin
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.” – George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is. – George Carlin
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam. – George Carlin
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait – Mitch Hedberg
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying, ‘Here, you throw this away.’ – Mitch Hedberg
I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that. – Mitch Hedberg
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They’re relentless. – Mitch Hedberg
It’s really hard to work out what the moral of humpty dumpty is. i can only work out, don’t sit on a wall, if you’re an egg – Ricky Gervais
I’ve had friends who’ve gotten married after a year, a year and a half. really, a year and a half? i’ve had sweaters for a year and a half and been like, what the fuck was i doing with this sweater? – Aziz Ansari
You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years. – Louis CK
My bank is the worst. They are screwing me. You know what they did to me? They’re charging me money for not having enough money. Apparently, when you’re broke, that costs money. – Louis CK
What we’ve done with our modern food supply is absolute insanity. It’s not even real any more. You used to be able to give a kid an apple and they would love it. Kids can’t even taste apples any more. Apples taste like paper to kids now. – Louis CK
I did a show in New Jersey in the auditorium of a technical high school … Technical high school, that’s where dreams are narrowed down. We tell our children, “You can do anything you want.” Their whole lives. “You can do anything!” But this place, we take kids – they’re 15, they’re young – and we tell them, “You can do eight things. We got it down to eight for you.” – Louis CK
A man is in his house, it’s late at night and there’s a knock at the door… and he goes to the door, and it’s a snail. The snail says ‘I’d like to talk to you about buying some magazine subscriptions.’ And the man is furious that he’s been interrupted, so he rears back and kicks the snail as hard as he can, slams the door, goes to bed. Two years later, there’s another knock on the door. He opens it, and it’s the snail, and the snail goes…’What the fuck was that all about?'”- David Sedaris
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left it