Alongside Gary Wilson’s presentation on porn, this was one of those talks that really stayed with me and had me mulling over its conclusions.
Why Happy Couples Cheat | Esther Perel
- adultery has existed as long as marriage, and so too the taboo
- adultery is the only commandment repeated twice in Bible (once for doing it, once just for thinking about it!)
- “monogamy used to be one person for life, today it’s one person at a time”
- “we used to marry and have sex for the first time, now we marry and stop having sex with others”
- infidelity estimates vary widely, from 26 to 75%
- we are walking contradictions: 95% say it’s terribly wrong for our partner to lie about an affair, but same % say that’s what we would do if we were having one
- infidelity used to threaten our economic arrangement, now it threatens our emotional arrangement
- core problem: we believe one person can fulfill every need, thus infidelity threatens everything
- “affairs in the digital age are death by a thousand cuts”
- today we’re more inclined to stray than ever; we feel right to pursue our desires; we believe we deserve to be happy
- “staying is the new shame” (after discovering an affair)
- affairs — even by couples married and faithful for decades — are often a yearning for our old selves, for strength after loss (a parent dies, or you lose your job)
- “not so much that we are looking for another person, but we are looking for another self”
- one word unfaithful spouses use: ALIVE, they feel ALIVE
- it’s not about sex but DESIRE
- majority of experienced couples stay together, and can turn an affair into opportunity to grow
- avoid mining for sordid details — better to move on, figure out meaning and motives, not logistics
- “your first marriage is over, would you like to create a second one, together”
Here’s my complete list of TED notes!