38 powerful insights from Alain de Botton (@alaindebotton)

Alain de Botton is one of my favorite thinkers/writers/intellectuals. I’ve written about his work in the past, such as his TED talk on success and his book Religion for Atheists.

By now I’ve read and watched a lot of the content he’s put online, so I wanted to share some of my favorite insights across his work with you. So in no particular order…

(most of the below is paraphrase, with direct quotes in italics)

Alain de Botton on how to think more about sex

1. There’s nothing that is considered sexy that isn’t, with the wrong person, disgusting

2. The magic of oral sex is that it takes the dirtiest part of us and makes it clean. That part is accepted by another person

3. What turns us on? It’s often what’s missing…from our childhoods, our moms

4. Why do we have too little sex? It’s because the person we have sex with is someone we do too much other stuff with (in past, people had more specific gender and vocational roles but now, we do everything together)

Alain de Botton on success
on YouTube

5. Snobbery is when you know only a little bit about someone but draw much larger conclusions about them

6. We’re not materialistic, we live in a society where emotional rewards are pegged to material goods. So when you see a Ferrari driver, don’t criticize them for being greedy, instead, see them as somebody who is incredibly vulnerable and in need of love

7. We’ve done away with the caste system. We’re told anyone can achieve anything, which generates envy (envy is our dominant modern emotion)

8. What is envy? Envy is relatability. When you can’t relate to them, you can’t envy them

9. It’s bad enough to not get what you want. It’s even worse to get what you want, after all this hard work, only to realize it may not be what you wanted all along

Alain de Botton on status anxiety

10. Low-paying jobs are frowned upon not just because of the pay…but because of their perceived status. Vice-versa for high-paying jobs

11. In a “just” society like ours, we believe the rich deserve their success, but we also assume the poor deserve their failure (which makes it harder to tolerate our own mediocrity or lack of success)

12. Jesus and Socrates as great exemplars for being sacrificial and sticking to their beliefs

13. We want the respect of people who we don’t even respect

Alain de Botton on why pessimism is healthy

14. The problem with society is that, with the engines of science, technology, and commerce, we’ve taken such great strides as mankind that we forget pessimism’s usefulness in individuals, and in the day-to-day.

15. Ironically, the secular are least suited to cope because they believe we can achieve heaven on earth through Silicon Valley, Fortune 500s, university research, etc

16. Religions provide angels – forever young and beautiful – to worship, and our lovers instead to tolerate (whereas secular people are always complaining, “why can’t you be more perfect?”).

Alain de Botton’s talk at Google
on YouTube

17. We’ve offloaded making up our minds to things like social media and the news

18. News drives us insane with envy; envy is good, but we don’t extract its lessons

19. We need MORE bias in the news: GOOD bias, not false fairness

Alain de Botton on Socrates and self confidence
on YouTube

20. There are 5 steps to have a good thought:

Step 1. look for “plain common sense” statements
Step 2. try to find exceptions
Step 3. if an exception is found, that must mean statement is false or imprecise
Step 4. try to incorporate the exception into the original statement
Step 5. continue this process, keep finding exceptions, until it’s impossible to disprove

21. Socrates believed we can have an interesting philosophical conversation anywhere, on a street corner or at home or in a foreign place

22. Socrates had reservations about democracy (lived in Athenian democracy). He argued that just because the majority of people believe something doesn’t make it right. What matters is whether the argument is logical and reasonable, not whether the majority says so

Alain de Botton on La Rochefoucauld
Philosophers Mail

23. There are some people who would never have fallen in love, if they had not heard there was such a thing.

Alain de Botton on Epicurus on happiness
on YouTube

24. Happiness is important: it comes from friends (as permanent companions), freedom (Epicurus left city life to start a commune), and an analyzed life (to find the time and space for quiet thinking about our lives)

Alain de Botton on Schopenhauer and his views on love
on YouTube

25. Being hurt by rejection is to not fully understand the requirements of acceptance

26. Love has nothing to do with happiness, it’s all about procreation, the “Will to life” (like Nietzsche’s “Will to power”)

Alain de Botton on Nietzsche and hardship
on YouTube

27. One of the few philosophers who wrote about pain and hardship, he believed they were necessary evil for enjoyment and success

Alain de Botton on Montaigne on self-esteem

28. Animals often surpass us in wisdom. They are much more natural about their bodies

29. Every society has customs which create narrow minds. To counter it, travel widely

30. How can you test for wisdom? Ask questions such as:

What should one do when anxious?
What is a good parent?
How can you tell if one is in love or infatuated?

31. “even on the highest throne, we are seated, still, on our asses”

From Religion for Atheists

32. As John Stuart Mill, another Victorian defender of the aims of education, put it: ‘The object of universities is not to make skillful lawyers, physicians or engineers. It is to make capable and cultivated human beings.’

33. We feel guilty for all that we have not yet read, but overlook how much better read we already are than Augustine or Dante, thereby ignoring that our problem lies squarely with our manner of absorption rather than with the extent of our consumption.

34. The single danger of life in a godless society is that it lacks reminders of the transcendent and therefore leaves us unprepared for disappointment and eventual annihilation. When God is dead, human beings – much to their detriment – are at risk of taking psychological centre stage

35. The modern world is not, of course, devoid of institutions. It is filled with commercial corporations of unparalleled size which have an intriguing number of organizational traits in common with religions. But these corporations focus only on our outer, physical needs, on selling us cars and shoes, pizzas and telephones. Religion’s great distinction is that while it has a collective power comparable to that of modern corporations pushing the sale of soap and mashed potatoes, it addresses precisely those inner needs which the secular world leaves to disorganized and vulnerable individuals.

36. Religions do not, as modern universities will, limit their teaching to a fixed period of time (a few years of youth), a particular space (a campus) or a single format (the lecture).

37. Comte…was convinced that humanity was still at the beginning of its history and that all kinds of innovation – however bold and far- fetched they might initially sound – were possible in the religious field, just as in the scientific one. […] The age he lived in, he asserted, afforded him a historic opportunity to edit out the absurdities of the past and to create a new version of religion which could be embraced because it was appealing and useful… He drew most heavily from Catholicism […] and also essayed occasional forays into the theology of Judaism, Buddhism and Islam.

38. Images of tranquillity and security haunt it: a particular job, social conquest or material acquisition always seems to hold out the promise of an end to craving. In reality, however, each worry will soon enough be replaced by another, and one desire by the next, generating a relentless cycle of what Buddhists call ‘grasping’, or upādāna in Sanskrit.

TED talk notes: Nick Hanauer’s famous banned talk on the rich and Clio Cresswell on math + sex

Listening to TED talks was a regular habit of mine. I’m slowly publishing the notes, to share with readers and as a personal refresher. Here’s the full list of notes.

This week we have a talk from Nick Hanauer (one of the infamous banned talks) on why rich people don’t create jobs, and from Clio Cresswell on the link between math and sex.

* * * * *

Nick Hanauer: Rich people don’t create jobs

  • the rich aren’t job creators, supply side economics is false
  • consumers are king, consumers create jobs
  • hiring is a last resort for capitalists. to call capitalists job creators is disingenuous
  • rich people may consume more, but it’s not commensurate with their higher earnings
  • look at recent decades: as taxes on rich and capital gains have gone down, unemployment has stayed high, real incomes for middle and lower class have stagnated
  • to raise taxes on the rich benefits everyone long-term
  • help the middle class prosper, and create jobs for everyone

* * * * *

Mathematics and sex | Clio Cresswell

  • there are equations that predict with 95% accuracy whether spouses will stay together over time, includes data on in-laws and body language
  • couples that compromise the LEAST ended up staying together the longest
  • maybe having high standards, finding ways to reach for them, is the way to go
  • mathematics is used in many fields: from creating chocolate to optimizing antibiotics to predicting political elections
  • men overestimate their # of past sexual partners, but estimation as a process usually leads to over-guessing (her favorite clue in the data: 80% of self-reported men’s numbers were divisible by 5!)
  • testosterone peaks in morning, slumps in the evening, and cycles every 2 to 2.5 hours
  • rats can count approximately, but can’t do exact because they don’t have a linguistic / mental representation of numbers. we’re the same: if we can’t count out a sequence, we can only do approximations, too

* * * * *

Here’s the full list of TED notes!

Meditation: an update on doing zen meditation for three years

meditation-raccoonIt’s a good time to review my meditation practice. My first essay about meditation was published in early 2013. An update came in late 2014.

The important lessons and insights haven’t changed. There just don’t seem to be any new wow moments:

  • It’s still most enjoyable to meditate in the morning (when it also has the greatest benefit for my mood and productivity)
  • Ten to fifteen minutes is still my sweet spot. Anything longer, and I create excuses to not do it. Anything shorter, and its effects aren’t as noticeable or consistent.
  • I still practice a simple form of meditation: what could best be described as zen meditation, also known as seated meditation or zazen. I sit down and empty the mind, allowing thoughts and feelings to arise and depart without judgment or attachment, until my iPhone timer rings
  • I still worry that even as meditation minimizes the emotional lows, it also dampens the highs and, possibly, through this mechanic, curtails your ambition, reduces your energy, numbs your healthy urges…

That’s not to say the time has been wasted. There have been a few new realizations about meditation as a daily habit:

  • Research shows that meditation dampens activity in your pre-frontal cortex, which is the brain region that creates a boundary between yourself and the world around you. Maybe this is why, after a good session, I feel a strong bond with everything around me: trees, strangers, the fresh air. It’s similar to the effect of certain drugs, but cleaner and more peaceful
  • Meditation’s impact is mixed. Some days are good, most days are meh, and some days feel wasted. But occasionally, on the great days, very occasionally, the impact of meditation is instant and obvious and washes over me like a two hour swedish massage. My eyes will be closed. I’m trying to relax. Suddenly, instead of seeing a vast void of blackness, suddenly, I’m looking right in front of me, at the here and now of the darkness, right at the front of my eyes, the back of my eyelids. This is often accompanied by visualizations – dim shifting and fractal patterns of light – even as my mind and body slide into a deep calm
  • The moments of stillness, of being centered, of feeling at peace, that sometimes come in the session and stay for hours…when your rushing thoughts and bubbling doubts and frantic scurrying leave your mental house and the door’s shut firmly behind them and they can’t get back in…that’s what makes it all worthwhile
  • I’m not a fan of guided meditation. Yes, I agree that it’s probably better than no practice, but, if you’ll excuse this ragged analogy, guided meditation is like learning to appreciate silence by listening to classical music. And by substituting a “good enough” solution, without a plan to remove that crutch, you deny yourself the chance to experience something deeper, purer, more powerful
  • Jerry Seinfeld has done transcendental meditation for decades. In an interview, he compared a session of meditation to a great nap where you awaken and feel refreshed and recharged
  • Human beings are animals. In a way, meditation is an absolute denial of our animal nature. Instead of thinking, we unthink. Instead of feeling, we don’t feel. Instead of moving, we are still. We simply be. And if meditation’s benefit comes from denying our animal nature, then logically, if we push this thinking further, maybe any activity that challenges and opposes our animal nature – such as fasting or celibacy or religious devotion – will achieve the same results, push us toward the same spiritual, divine, uniquely human unknown

Finally, perhaps the most important lesson I’ve learned in recent years: your mind is like a young dog. It can bark at friendly strangers. Chase pigeons wildly and chew up sandals (yes, my dog does all of these, sigh). But meditation is useful because it trains your mind, the crazy dog that it is, through repetition and effort and growth, to become calm, to control itself, to separate real from fake threats, to conserve energy for important things, like cuddling with its human.

And if a habits genie granted wishes on my daily routine, wish #1 would be to guarantee that I meditate for 30 minutes every morning. Without fail. Alas, no such luck. But the benefits would be tremendous…

Thanks for reading, as always. Love to hear from you if you meditate or have any reactions to this essay. Thank you!

Winners Always Finish: a review of the famous Grit study by Angela Duckworth

Behavioral psychology concepts tend to explode onto the scene like Billboard #1 songs. And then they’re discarded just as quickly. Only a few have staying power: Mikhail C’s description of flow and why it’s so good to get lost in your work. Carol Dweck’s concept of a growth mindset and the value of believing that failure isn’t a permanent condition.

To those two (and some others), I would add Angela Duckworth’s famous grit study. Like all psychology findings that stick around, it has a catchy keyword and it reveals a truth about human behavior that is both intuitive and surprising. Whether you’re gritty or not, you want more of it, and you especially want your kids to have it.

So I finally read the original research paper because I’m a nerd who is obsessed with habits, and I believe grit can be a habit.

The brief summary: “don’t give up and you’ll eventually succeed.” But there’s a lot more to the study and its findings. As academic research papers go, it was a fun one to read. I wanted to share some of the nuances and insights with you.

So what is grit?

Grit is “perseverance and passion for long-term goals. Grit entails working strenuously toward challenges, maintaining effort and interest over years despite failure, adversity, and plateaus in progress”

Winners always finish

Many people think that grit is about working hard and not quitting. But grit is also about FOLLOWING THROUGH on what you start. Gritty people commit to one pursuit, to the exclusion of others. They finish what they begin. That’s what makes them winners.

Follow-through is “evidence of purposeful continuous commitment to certain types of activities versus sporadic efforts in diverse areas”

“whereas the importance of working harder is easily apprehended, the importance of working longer without switching objectives may be less perceptible […] eg, a prodigy who practices intensively yet moves from piano to saxophone to voice will likely be surpassed by an equally gifted but grittier child”

The concept of follow through seems to be ignored when we talk about grit.

More notes and excerpts

  • if you’re conscientious, chances are you’re also gritty
  • grit is not correlated with general intelligence. in fact there is some evidence that it’s inversely correlated
  • high achievers [are] triply blessed by “ability combined with zeal and with capacity for hard labour”
  • forget 10 years of practice, 20 is even better: “over 10 years of daily deliberate practice set apart expert performers from less proficient peers and that 20 years of dedicated practice was an even more reliable predictor of world-class achievement”
  • grit increases with age and level of education (graduate students had the most grit…)
  • grit isn’t everything, especially when young. the authors specifically state, “a strong desire for novelty and a low threshold for frustration may be adaptive earlier in life: Moving on from dead-end pursuits is essential to the discovery of more promising paths”
  • but grit predicted things like: drop out rates during Westpoint’s summer Beast Barracks; performance at the National Spelling Bee; GPAs at the top universities; graduation rates at inner city schools

and just because it’s interesting:

“Participants (at the National Spelling Bee Finals) studied for the spelling bee an average of 2.25 hours per day on weekends and 1.34 hours per day on weekdays”

Angela gives a TED talk, embedded below. It’s interesting, although it’s not a summary of her research:

If you like these talks here’s my list of TED talks and notes.

More thoughts on grit

I’m reminded of Rule 50 from The Little Book of Talent: “Build grit, love the grind”

I’m reminded of David Brooks who says that love is both transcendent magic and a gritty commitment.

Paul Tough, in a podcast (it might have been an episode of This American Life), says that the ideal stage to start teaching grit is adolescence, when people first become “meta cognitive”. And to build grit, a close attachment to a parental figure is important (I suppose for the sense of safety and security?).

Thanks for reading! What psych studies / research papers are your favorites?

Quotes! The way to fame goes through the palaces, the way to happiness goes through the markets, the way to virtue goes through the deserts.

I’ve highlighted my favorites. December was the last quotes post, so my apologies – there are quite a few!

**

let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us – Hebrews 12

Alexander the Great met a naked wise man, a gymnosophist. Alexander asked, “What are you doing?” and the gymnosophist answered, “I’m experiencing nothingness.” Then the gymnosophist asked, “What are you doing?” and Alexander said, “I am conquering the world.” And they both laughed.

Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past – Lily Tomlin

Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. – Litany against Fear, used by the Bene Gesserit

Do those things that incline you toward the big questions, and avoid the things that would reduce you and make you trivial. – George Saunders

Gossip is black magic at its very worst because it is pure poison. We learned how to gossip by agreement. When we were children, we heard the adults around us gossiping all the time, openly giving their opinions about other people. They even had opinions about people they didn’t know. Emotional poison was transferred along with the opinions, and we learned this as the normal way to communicate. – Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

“Ask someone to give a description of the personality type which he finds most despicable, most unbearable and hateful, and most impossible to get along with,” writes Edward Whitmont, “and he will produce a description of his own repressed characteristics….These very qualities are so unacceptable to him precisely because they represent his own repressed side; only that which we cannot accept within ourselves do we find impossible to live with in others.”

Every time you wake up and ask yourself, “What good things am I going to do today?” remember that, when the sun goes down at sunset, it will take a part of your life with it. – an Indian proverb

You should be truthful; you should avoid wrath; you should give to those who ask, because they ask for small things. You will become holier by following these three paths. – Dhammapada, a book of Buddhist wisdom

Is there anything more absurd than a person having a right to kill me because we live on two opposite banks of the river, and our kings quarrel with each other? – Blaise Pascal

No man really knows about other human beings. The best he can do is to suppose that they are like himself. – John Steinbeck

A lot of us think everyone else is living in Maslow’s Basement, while we’re in the Penthouse.

All our life, so far as it has definite form, is but a mass of habits – William James

Eternity is in love with the creations of time. – Blake

People are insanely self-conscious. People act like they’re always being watched. Even their house is a performance. – Elaine Miller

Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding. – Proverbs 4:7, King James Bible

Discipline is just choosing between what you want now and what you want most. – Abe Lincoln

Who are…the greatest benefactors of the living generation of mankind? I should say: ‘Confucius and Laotze, the Buddha, the Prophets of Israel and Judah, Zoroaster, Jesus, Mohammed and Socrates.’ – Toynbee

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. – Maya Angelou

A deep river is not troubled if you throw a stone into it. If a religious person is hurt by criticism, then he is not a river but a shallow pool. – Saadi

So the Muse whispered in Beethoven’s ear. Maybe she hummed a few bars into a million other ears. But no one else heard her. Only Beethoven got it. – Steven Pressfield

conventional attitudes about work are, without the owners even knowing it, nth-degree imitations of the attitudes of people who’ve done great things. – pg

If you want to make ambitious people waste their time on errands, the way to do it is to bait the hook with prestige – pg

To maximize our own contentment, we seek the minimum amount of technology in our lives. Yet to maximize the contentment of others, we must maximize the amount of technology in the world. – Kevin Kelly

Goldie Hawn once observed that there are only three ages for an actress in Hollywood: “Babe, D.A., and Driving Miss Daisy.”

Whoever does not have the stomach for this fight, let him depart, give him his money to speed his departure, since we wish not to die in this man’s company. Whoever lives past today and comes home safely will rouse himself every year on this day and show his neighbor his scars, and tell him stories of their great feats in battle. These stories he will teach his son and from this day until the end of the world we shall be remembered. We few…we happy few…we band of brothers. For whoever has shed his blood with me shall be my brother. And those men afraid to go will think themselves lesser men as they hear of how we fought and died together. – Henry V, Shakespeare

The way to fame goes through the palaces, the way to happiness goes through the markets, the way to virtue goes through the deserts.

**